as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
