grandma shit on top of the toilet
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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