I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
