Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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