If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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