8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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