From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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