Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
