Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
