that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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