i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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