Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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