Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
