Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i love accidental penises.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
