I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Floor bacon is actually really good
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
