so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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