I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
