mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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