whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
