he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
