it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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