I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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