I am midnight drunk by noon
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
