Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
