??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
