I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
