Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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