the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My bed smells like the plague
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
