Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
