i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
