On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
