So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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