beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
