I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You are a genius and a whore.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
