How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
