There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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