Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
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