so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
