Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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