I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
