So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
