They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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