you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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