Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
