Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
