I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
