I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
