Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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