I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
