i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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