I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
