I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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