There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
