The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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